At the tumultuous age of twelve, having just moved from the Hawaii to Arkansas, our family of seven crammed into a twenty seven foot trailer, lived in a trailer park as its sole guest. My father absent - per his modus operandi, left my mother to tend to our needs. To bring peace to her tumultuous life choices, she would lock us out of the trailer to watch her soap operas. This was confusing to me because my emotional maturity lacked the experience to be at peace with my mother's needs to understand her self and my needs for acceptance. Although, far from the legal age of adulthood, I considered this a groundbreaking understanding in self worth.
Self worth is clarity - the generosity of accepting the dark side of human habits as eagerly as the beneficial traits. Being locked out was the gift from my mother to look to my self for solace, to see calm and peace as the essence of my being, that acceptance only occurs within the self. It was also a stark realization that separation must be endured to establish the emotional maturity to handle life's tides. Strength only comes from resistance.
I was far from accepting at that age, but I had bouts of empathy for my mother. Those bouts gnawed at me - chewing ferociously at the self-righteous identities I had groomed, nurtured, retained. Few and far between are those battles now, appearing as gentle reminders of the gift of physical existence rather than the judgment of inherent self worth. Death will end these reminders, a gentle nod to the rarity of life.
I do not know if I will ever fully realize self worth, seemingly somewhat elusive - always evolving - unable to grasp - the invisible dangling carrot - always and never. One step ahead and completely camouflaged, self worth becomes visible as needed. Fewer opportunities lay ahead than behind, so savor every step I must. Because while I sit and soak in the worth of self, life accelerates as it must, edging closer to completion.
