In one of my past romantic relationships, my partner - an executive officer in the forefront - was - in the background - heavily into the world of sex workers, strips clubs, and pornography. I turned a blind eye until the anger exploded uncontrollably. I was unwilling to admit it at the time, but my partner's behavior was simply a reflection of the blatant disregard and degradation that I had for myself.
My partner's behavior was a symptom of trauma, years of ignoring the self. I had judged the behavior as "bad," without serious reflection on the roots of that judgment. Oh, the signs were ubiquitous, but I beat them down until I walked away with nothing. A perfect situation to start over.
Every judgment I have ever had, and still do, comes from a position of ignorance. Absolutely no human (including the person doing the behavior) has enough information to condemn. We spend so little time reflecting on the reasons for our own conditioned responses, how could we possibly even fathom to understand an other's?
Now, as I look back, I see that life as a symptom of hate, taught to me that I willingly engaged in order to acquire approval that would never come.
Decades have passed, and change has graced me with its constancy. But, dear reader, do not think me close to redemption; for with every day comes a new realization opening yet another perspective of re-membering this human form to its source - an infinite chasm of lives and possibilities demanding a mind empty of all knowing.
That past relationship ended with no regrets because the lessons learned displaced all loss. Time is mercifully temporary, continuing with or without me, forcing with every breath a shedding of judgments that stall and stifle my life - lightening my load and emptying my mind for new perspectives. Nothing stays. Today the "inn" is empty, ready for the next guest. Don't get attached Karen, for they are simply passing through.
